what a true song. man its just so human nature....Like nothing is ever good enough. or just enough! im sick of it ........So last night I just went for it .....put all my emotions and heart and sould on the line and told the ex everything that had been going on in my head for the last 3 years since we broke up......it felt so good to get it out and yet so bad at the same time ...at one point I thought I was going to pass out. There was definately breakthrough and I feel relieved to be able to talk to him but I still feel very unsettled and like none of my questions were really answered specifially. Like Susan said ...maybe we're asking too much ...but honestly we;ve both prayed that this would just end and that we wouldnt be tormented and strung along anymore and we both got the answers we were expecting and yet I think somewhere deep down we were still hoping against hope for the opposite outcome. Why is it just soooo hard to let go?....I want to....God knows how much I want to and how many times Ive tried but it just seems to stay simmering somewhere in the farthest corner of my mind and boils over when I least need it to. And why is it I pray and pray and pray for peace and joy and it just doesnt come. Im sick to my stomach over here ..and I dont know if its a bug or just my system being all out of whack from killing myself on graveyards last week .....or nerves or attack or what the heck it is .....but I do know I want it gone. I thought that I would pour out my heart and things would just go the way I wanted them too...Back to the way they were before I screwed everything up .....I don't want to have any regrets but I have soooo many. I just want all the answers to all my questions and I know that I shouldnt need them, and the saddest thing is I know myself that even if I did get all those answers, and even if they were the ones I wanted to hear, I would still not have peace. How horrible is that . You know I knew the answer that was coming ....and I had convinced myself that that was what I wanted and needed to hear....and yet even after all that preperation and being sure that that was what I wanted ...when the time finally came and I got it...it just hurt so bad....Like i can;t even explain the pain...it hurt more than the realization that I had thrown away the best thing in my life on fear......it hurt more than that because i realized its irreversable. It can't be restored and that just makes me so sad ....and my heart just hurts so bad and I dont want it to. I want to be free and healed ..and now I am ..i dont have that burden of "well what if?" and "but maybe he does feel the same and youre both just being stupid" I know where I stand now so why can't I just be happy for that and thankful for the friendship? I hate satan ...he doesnt want me to feel free and to feel loved and I hate him for that .....absolutley hate him and am sick and tired of being sick and tired because I drag around his chains. if im gonna be carrying anything I want it to be the cross. Oh Lord...I just want you to put Your desires in my heart and Your will in my head and Your dreams in my spirit. I dont want to waste anymore time wasting Your precious time by not being where you need me to be and who youwant me to be. Lord just please work in my heart. Heal it completely ....take me to that place where everything is the way it shouldve been all along ......take away the guilt. Help me forgive myself. Help me trust in You and Your perfect plan for my life. Your PERFECT PLAN that is unchanging and that I can't change, I can only hinder the journey and make it longer till the final destination by putting myself and my will in Your way ...so Lord show me when Im setting myself up for failure ..when im strategically placing my own road blocks in life. I dont need to do that ....so help me not to. Thank you Lord for your patience with me ...and for loving me and I have the hope that one of these days I will know that love you have for me. Bless this day to your glory! Amen
link | posted by Norma Jean at 12:52 PM
2 Comments:
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Evan_Moffat commented:
I can see by your post that God is changing you and speaking to you. I know that He has amazing adventures for you to Experience. Keep praying and seeking His face.
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Susan commented:
Norma my pumpkin muffin...well, at least we aren't alone right? We have each other to just vent and cry and heal together. You are a blessing, and I would be a basket case..more than I am already if I didn't have you, you help keep me from crawling in that hole and dying. We're gonna be satan bashers together. We can get through this, I know we can..for goodness sakes we got GOD on our side!! God works for the good of those who love Him, and well we both love Him so everything is gonna work out for God's GOOD and perfect plan, and yep, you are right its perfect..so I say we just step to the side and let God lead us. God doesn't put us in situations that we aren't strong enough to handle, so we must be pretty strong women of God cuz this is HARD TO HANDLE!!!
Be blessed my love, I just pray a peace in your heart, and the joy of the Lord to radiate through you. I can see it, I think Satan's just disguising it from you. He sucks like that...more of a reason to kick him in the teeth- » 8:20 PM