So I realize that I haven't posted in a very long time. and I apologize. I really have no excuse. But here it is. So the title of my blog refers to two friends of mine who are dating. One of which I dated (also the one I don't know if I can really refer to as a friend) cuz friends generally talk to eachother out of necesity and desire to catch up rather than obligation to be civil. Anyway ....the reason for my question is that I went on a date with them last week and I actually had a really good time. well,m I mean, there should be no reason not to cuz we're all supposedly friends, right?. I adore the girl ....trust me I tried to dislike her and I just couldn't even pull it off. I consider her a really good friend. My only issue with her is that she's fit right into the family and no thats not a bad thing, not at all, I'm very happy for her. My issue is that I was there first and for a lot longer and I didn't feel that welcome. I felt like I never really had a place ya know. I guess its cuz I really didn't. which is really sad. I've been realizing that this is something I'm really struggling to get over. I just cannot accept that God would allow me to waste this many years of my life on one person and have him not be the one. Not that I want him to be. I just feel like I put so much of my life into the relationship that I at least deserve an explaination or an answer or a place to at least still be a friend. I'm just sick of seeing the rest of the universe falling in love and dreams coming true and all that......its like I'm on the outside looking in ....life is passing me by. and I'm even more sick of those same people telling me ...."you're chance will come just trust God my dear." blech. its as maddening to hear as "it was just their time" at a funeral...both statments may be very true but its still not what you want to hear. you know what I mean. I guess my most pressing still unanswered question is: why was I not good enough? I've asked it many times and never get the answer. The subject always gets changed.....brushed aside. I get the reply..."let go(or suck it up get over it..you know all those alternatives) the past is the past .....Christians are supposed to forgive" and those on the outside say "its not that you weren't good enough you were too good. God's got someone soooo much better for you" ..and blah blah blah. whatever. and I think if thats the case then I should feel sorry for the poor girl who ends up with him.....but thats totally not the case...cuz he's gonna be the most amazing husband and father and all those things ever becuase he loves her. and if he didn't even love me and I couldn't keep him interested I don't stand the slightest chance of that with someone "better"! Its as simple as that....he just didn't love me....but why. Of course its easy for him to move on and get over it....he had nothing really invested. I, on the other hand, thought I was going to spend the rest of my life loving this person ..so needless to say I was (or maybe still am) a little lost now that thats not gonna happen. how could I have not known so much sooner ya know. I could've saved myself so much pain.
and so much time. God could've just spoken to me too...that would've been easier as well. Maybe He did but I just didn't hear...thats the more likely option ... cuz I didn't even know what discernment was until a year after we broke up ....which is kind of a scary thought. although I did know enough to eventually get out and realize that having to compete for the attention, let alone the love, of soemone who supposedly loves you, is no way to live your life. well this is quite a crappy blog. Im contemplating deleting all of it but that would be such a waste of time and effort and if I don't blog again now I may not for another month or so ....so yeah....anyway ..sorry to bore you to tears.....I'll try to be more interesting next time. take care..thanx for reading .....if you read this...do comment please...or don't ....whatever floats your boat. yeah ....gotta go .....bye.
1 Comments:
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Susan commented:
oh lady..
just hear me out on this..
it's really not that you weren't good enough..you very well are, you just weren't the one...there's such a difference...no one is going to fit in like the one, no one is going to be loved more than the one is going to be...
you know he loved you, but you have to at least admit that he better love his wife more than he loved you, she would hopefully get along better with his family than you did...you'll find your place when you find the one, it's not a matter of being good enough or not, it's a matter of who God has meant you to be with- » 9:33 PM