And alas..yet another month gone by...I know you're sick of hearing that from me ....I'm sick of saying it but thats about all there is to be said. Anyhoo.....this last month has been crazy busy and yet I feel (once again ..or as per usual?) that I have accomplished absolutly nothing .... I've done lots of stuff. but not really accomplished anything. Believe it or not im still not unpacked. I've lived in this particular house since june and am still living out of rubber maid tubs. I had a bed but it got popped on our last movie day so alas im out 100 bucks there. IT was one of those fancy ones with the frames and stuff. I can't garuntee that it was popped then im just assuming that cuz it hasnt held air since then. and i think the not unpacking could be a big result of the subconcious desire to not have to pack it all up again when I finally realize I'm just a big baby and can't hack being away from my family and move back .....or it could be that i have too much stuff and its just so overwhelming that i dont even know where to start. i have a few options thats for sure. anyway ...moving on ...stuff that Ive done this last month...Saw Dierks Bently in concert ...met him after the show. I must say that he's quite the hotty ....and real sweet too. then I went to emerson drive the following week ..theyre really good live....and i had no idea they were such phenomenal musicians where instruments are concerned. the next day i spent my last 2 hours with Reebs until I dont know when..Her and Slick moved to consort alberta and I'm sad about that. Reebs and i have never been more than an hour and ahalf ,2 tops away from eachother our whole lives and now we're four. :( anyway we had a good visit none the less then it was off to Shawna's wedding. So gorgeous...the whole thing and everyone in it. everything was so simple and the whole atmosphere was so laid back and relaxed and everyone just felt so comfortable and you could just feel such a sense of love even amongst the guests....you really just feel like family ...well coming from a tc3 perspective ...but its true. you really are family. and its the most comfortable that ive felt( i personally) in Lloyd around Lloyd ppl since before i lived there. it was so awesome to hang out with Sasha and Michelly and the gang like old days. I think also that the comfortlevel had a lot to do with the fact that im finally at the point in my life where its starting to sink in that I shouldnt have to change who i am to fit in and for people to like me ...I need to just be ..and if people arent comfortable with that or think thats not cool well I have to not let it be my problem and they can learn to deal with it. I know that sounds harsh but on sunday GOd showed me that I have been living under such a yoke of fear..fear of man...dissapointing people etc....and I was petrified to make a move and the only reason i moved to stoon was because thats what I thought the world expected of me and my friends expected of me ..but it turns out that friends come and go. I learned that the painful way once i got here and that family is forever and if you get along really well with yours then why not be near them. God also revealed to me that I need to do something for me....I need to stop feeling obligated and get out of my obligations that i got trapped into while living under that fear yoke and get out and live MY life. not my life according to the church and my life according to what friend is living on what side of town and who has known me longer so therefore has more say ...but just MY LIFE. figure out what I actually enjoy and what i feel called to..FInd not just, my purpose, but any purpose in general. I was so petrified of just being me for fear that someone wont like it that ive jsut been miserble and I was scared to say that cuz last time I did it didnt go well ..But God told me that no matter what happens HE WILL BE THERE and thats ALL that counts ...lifes not always gonna be easy and it may even get messy but even when and if it does He'll be there. plain and simple. I cant live in fear any longer. He revealed that I need to be free. I need to allow myself to be free and that includes not making every move based on how someone else will react. so yeah ....ive totally gone off the topic...but it feels good to get it out. and IM not going to apologise for rambling...Rambling is part of who I am. Wow that lifted another wieght right there. Pastor Lyle is a really good preacher. random yes but then agian not so much ...it was his words and his sermon that got the whole ball rolling and opened my ears inthe first place to even hear God. thats another thing....i get so frustrated that Gods not speaking with me and stuff or that im not hearing him .....but he told be the other weekend (shawnas wedding and the afore mentioned sunday) that it dosent have to be audible words and that hes been speaking to me all along with feelings and signs. He asked me "norma, do you honestly think i want my children to be miserable?" and i said "no" and he said "soooo......" I was like "so that fact that I'm not happy and that I know I shouldnt have moved here in such a rush is a way of you speaking to me" and he said "very good" and I said "so now what?...this is so scary...I dont know what to do" and he said "you dont have to be scared, ill help you, but jsut a question....Why do you not know what to do?, Id say its pretty clear" and I said " becuase I can't just leave susan stranded" and he said "moving wont strand her as long as you're both adults about it and you stay calm etc" and i said"but she'll hate me!" "and He said "ah haa..see theres that fear thing agin ..youre so afraid that she;ll be upset..of course she will but she wont hate you. but youre so afraid of losing a friend that youre risking your health be stayin in a place you dont wanna be and getting all stressed out....I thought we jsut discussed this ...I thought we agreed that you were no longer living under that yoke" and i said"youre right God, I did just say that" and he said "soo what are you gonna do" and I said "talk to her at least and get things sorted out" and He said "good and the sooner the better. never forget Im always here.I will never leave you" so yeha hear i am blogging it Im such a freekin cowar..im bolgging becuase Ive put the talking off the last two weeks blaming it on everything from im too tired and dont wanna get into it to its not the right time and well maybe im just hearing things and its not God talking to me and whatever else. But I was praying on the way home from mels last night and God reminded me that sometimes you can t just wait for the perfect oppportunity ..sometimes you have to make your own ..so this is me biting the bullet. making it happen ..cuz otherwise i would go on forever avoiding it...and thats not fair to anyone..at least this way we can sit down and have a serious conversation and just be totally honest. I dont know what else to say other than that ..and quite frankly me being honest could be very confusing cuz like i said i my so confused. Like i dont wanna jsut up and leave...but on the other hand im not happy ..but giving other things a chance and breaking out on my own so to speak like in regards to church and acutally leaving the house could be what i need...but is that just to pass the time and fool myself ....and ive had enough to time to "give it a chance" and settle in so obviously its not gonna happen...or is that just me making excuses and being a baby.? yeah i dont know ...all i know is that writing it out like this really helps me clear my head..and at least feel more calm.. it doenst really give me answers but it makes me feel less sick .... so yeah anyway this last weekend I went to grams. mom and I went to the hotel grand reopening and had a blast...sang some karaoke , won some big beer mugs (schooners I believe theyre called) i dont know not a fan of beer but we found out that they hold 4 paralyzers....lol ....we were still haning in there at last call and then finally left...by that time there was a lot of snow ..so it took is a little longer to walk back to grams cuz mom was afraid of slipping on the ice under the snow. so yeah ..but anyway it was so much fun ......even grams came to the bar for a bit to wish the new owner well and hear us sing and visit and stuff. so yeah whatelse...oh I went to Melissas last night for "tea" but we never actually ended up drinking or eating anything ....we just talked for 3 hours...it was nice..just like the old days. we used to talk like that every day or everyother day and we realized yesterday that it had been 2 whole months since we had talked emailed seen eachother anything ..thats crazy. anyway ..i should go email some neglected people on my list and start on my christmas cards. actually susan just called so im gonna go run to the store quick so that we can have meatloaf for supper...mmm. i love meatloaf. thankyou to those who read this and hope you have a great and relaxed peaceful beautiful evening and be blessed continually as you give it all up to God. and thank you all sooooo much for your prayers and concern and care. Love yall.