3 years ago ...well i guess not today ...persay....but this date..... June 27th, 3 years ago was my graduation. man how the years have flown and I have absolutely nothing to show for them.
link | posted by Norma Jean at 5:40 PM0 comments
what a true song. man its just so human nature....Like nothing is ever good enough. or just enough! im sick of it ........So last night I just went for it .....put all my emotions and heart and sould on the line and told the ex everything that had been going on in my head for the last 3 years since we broke up......it felt so good to get it out and yet so bad at the same time ...at one point I thought I was going to pass out. There was definately breakthrough and I feel relieved to be able to talk to him but I still feel very unsettled and like none of my questions were really answered specifially. Like Susan said ...maybe we're asking too much ...but honestly we;ve both prayed that this would just end and that we wouldnt be tormented and strung along anymore and we both got the answers we were expecting and yet I think somewhere deep down we were still hoping against hope for the opposite outcome. Why is it just soooo hard to let go?....I want to....God knows how much I want to and how many times Ive tried but it just seems to stay simmering somewhere in the farthest corner of my mind and boils over when I least need it to. And why is it I pray and pray and pray for peace and joy and it just doesnt come. Im sick to my stomach over here ..and I dont know if its a bug or just my system being all out of whack from killing myself on graveyards last week .....or nerves or attack or what the heck it is .....but I do know I want it gone. I thought that I would pour out my heart and things would just go the way I wanted them too...Back to the way they were before I screwed everything up .....I don't want to have any regrets but I have soooo many. I just want all the answers to all my questions and I know that I shouldnt need them, and the saddest thing is I know myself that even if I did get all those answers, and even if they were the ones I wanted to hear, I would still not have peace. How horrible is that . You know I knew the answer that was coming ....and I had convinced myself that that was what I wanted and needed to hear....and yet even after all that preperation and being sure that that was what I wanted ...when the time finally came and I got it...it just hurt so bad....Like i can;t even explain the pain...it hurt more than the realization that I had thrown away the best thing in my life on fear......it hurt more than that because i realized its irreversable. It can't be restored and that just makes me so sad ....and my heart just hurts so bad and I dont want it to. I want to be free and healed ..and now I am ..i dont have that burden of "well what if?" and "but maybe he does feel the same and youre both just being stupid" I know where I stand now so why can't I just be happy for that and thankful for the friendship? I hate satan ...he doesnt want me to feel free and to feel loved and I hate him for that .....absolutley hate him and am sick and tired of being sick and tired because I drag around his chains. if im gonna be carrying anything I want it to be the cross. Oh Lord...I just want you to put Your desires in my heart and Your will in my head and Your dreams in my spirit. I dont want to waste anymore time wasting Your precious time by not being where you need me to be and who youwant me to be. Lord just please work in my heart. Heal it completely ....take me to that place where everything is the way it shouldve been all along ......take away the guilt. Help me forgive myself. Help me trust in You and Your perfect plan for my life. Your PERFECT PLAN that is unchanging and that I can't change, I can only hinder the journey and make it longer till the final destination by putting myself and my will in Your way ...so Lord show me when Im setting myself up for failure ..when im strategically placing my own road blocks in life. I dont need to do that ....so help me not to. Thank you Lord for your patience with me ...and for loving me and I have the hope that one of these days I will know that love you have for me. Bless this day to your glory! Amen
link | posted by Norma Jean at 12:52 PM2 comments
so yeah ...3 years ago today ...was the turning point. It coudve been the place that I conquered my fear or at least held it down and persevered and saved what I had ...but instead I let the fear conquer me and destroy the best thing that I had. i doubt you'll ever read this (and YOU know who you are) But again Id just like to say how sorry I am ...really and truly sorry and would do anything to get the chance to do it again but do it the right way and make it up to you or erase that day all together. I just so wish that things had been different...... argh. :(
link | posted by Norma Jean at 12:02 PM0 comments
I cant believe its the end of June already ......its hard to believe Ive actually been in here like 3 months now and still am not even close to being settled. and this is where my next thought comes in ....I dont know if im supposed to be here. I just feel so unsettled and stressed and and i've been so emotional ....like just breaking down and crying uncontrollably....and the worst part is i dont know if its just attack from satan or if its punishment from God for makeing the wrong choice by coming here. and then that makes me feel like such an awful horrrible person ....cuz Susan really is the best roomate a person could have ever in life. so then that makes me feel worse....like what kind of position am i putting her in ......Im just sick of being miserable. and its crazy cuz ill have a good day and everything will be fine and then ill just have an awful day and just wanna go back home but i know i cant and i think that makes it worse. maybe im just having a bad case of missing my family .......i dont kno w..I just saw all these great visions for me moving here and that Id be soo much happier here than in kindersley and that id just have it made in the shade and be content and all that but the nagging thought is that i just didnt realize how great i had it in kindersley ......argh .....maybe its just cuz im soooo super tired ....im going on about 4 hours of sleep total for the last 3and half days. my body is not adjusting to the graveyard shift at all. not to mention I just feel like such a failure ..and I know that thats a lie from the devil ......but it just seems that all the signs point more towards that then me being a success. I konw that I shouldnt let circumstances and emotions run me .....i want the joy of the Lord truly i do and i want Him to be my strength and ive asked and asked for him to help me and im still just a sobbing mess sitting here in our kitchen......so I guess that leaves me with this ..Im gonna go eat some cereal and hopefully meet susan for coffee on her break...and then we'll see how the rest of the day goes. i know, as my mom always says when im feeling down , this too shall pass ...but i just wish it would already .......anyway I feel somewhat better or relieved now that i got that out...and susan if youre reading this please dont be offended ...you know that its totally not anything youve done...cuz you're awesome and im so thankful youve put up with me so far...jsut keep praying cuz i need it ....im hopeful that something will snap and be broken off my spirit and that i can get on with actaully enjoying this new season of my life. until then ..thanx for listening.
link | posted by Norma Jean at 1:18 PM0 comments